Names for my existentially absent children

We all have those times we fantasize about the future, don't we? Like, enjoying the moment is fine, looking forward to that party or drug deal you'll be going to after classes is also pretty neat, but sometimes one's mind simply wanders into the far and unexplored valley of the future tense, and you think of stuff that won't happen for a couple of years, if at all. Especially if, like myself, you keep a positive outlook on things to avoid falling into the suicidal void of existential dread because everyday you're facing things you aren't familiar with, and are cripplingly unsure you're gonna handle them.

Now, since I'm the kind of person who has to be skeptical about everything, and won't hope for fulfillment unless they can actually see their goals materialize before them, and even then angst about how long will the high last, I tend to think of stuff that will never happen, either because I'm dead set against it, or because the universe hates me. And I had a nasty appendicitis not too long ago, so I know for a fact that the universe hates me!

Anyway, a thing which fits one of the categories of impossible worlds mentioned in the previous paragraph is having kids. Babies. Snot machines. Poop dispensers. Fertile ground for the prosperous evolution of bacteria and viri (fuck off red line, I'm going for the better sounding plural, I don't give a fuck academics don't think it's correct!) I like to imagine how will I name my firstborn, just for fun. I don't want to settle with something mundane, like Sam, or Tiffany, Nikita, or Hector. Nor something completely retarded, like La-a (pronounced Ladasha), or Teavee, or heavens forbid, Todd! No, I want the names I give to my semen demons to be imposing, resonant, and out there without sounding like their parents have drunk away their brain cells in college.

Obviously, going for a name that won't ensure bullying during the formative years is a fruitless endeavor. These things always seem to work in your disfavor. I, for example, was named after a bloodthirsty medieval ruler of my country, who enjoyed to torture his political enemies, has paid off the big shots around those parts to sit his ass on the throne for a while, and the power eventually got to his head, so the big shots assassinated him and put someone else in his stead. Do you know how much flak I got because of the historical baggage of this name? Fuck all, because fuck all cares about history! So really, just try to have this outlook on name-shaming: if it happens it builds character, if it doesn't happen, your child may end up like me. Best of both worlds.

Here is a list of names I would consider my crotch fruits who will most likely never exist are worthy to bear, along with a complimentary commentary for each of them:

Montenegro

Like that guy in FarCry3, Vaas. It sounds important, and I'd be high elated if I ended up the parent of an important person. Not because I'd have gotten myself involved in their path to importance, pah! what a silly notion! It'd be because I got to know them fully and intimately, to witness their path to greatness. Imagine you were a parent of Bill Gates. Would you look at him the same way if you saw his pee-pee?

Kamikaze

I don't hear parents bragging about the significance of the names they ascribed to their semiclones, much to my own subversion. It's the kids themselves who do that, probably to get over the fact that they didn't get to pick their own names. Don't they know you can simply choose to identify yourself by another name overnight? Anyway, if my kid would have ever turned out like that (*shudder normies, ugh!), maybe they'd have also ascribed to themselves the capacity of diving headlong into any issue, no matter how threatening it may seem or be. They'd have certainly taken the cake at job interviews.

Thaddeus

Like a thud, this name sound imposing and no-nonsense-like. It proudly says "let me mind my own business lest I smack you silly!"

Lucifer

This one is more special. It has deep existential implications for me. You see, in the mythology that is prevalent around the places I grew up in, Lucifer was the first ever being to realize that him and his peers were living under the heel of a narcissistic dictator, and decided he wouldn't have any of that. That's balls-y. Also, he gifted the first humans with knowledge, and had undertaken an eternity-long campaign of opening the eyes of the eager minds who are being woefully repressed by the subjugating ringer of institutionalized religion and baseless superstitions. And there is a massive propaganda against him, so much so that only the gays are more hated than him. He's an underdog.

Plus, he's usually depicted as a fly as fuck stud!

Lucifer and God

This is for the twins. I know that the Judeo-Christian mythology doesn't consider the two characters as equals, but that's just bullshit! If God was better than Satan, how come he ain't defeated him yet? Checkmate, Christians! Also, the implication that God actually created someone to rebel against him paints him in a rather sado-masochistic light, like he was getting bored with shit being all not fucked up, so he made someone to stir it. Don't deny that, if Satan was good to begin with, and there was nothing on the outside to corrupt him, why would he have chosen to rebel?

That about does it, but I shall also take the liberty to answer some inevitable follow-up questions:

What if it's a girl?

Fuck off, you poisonous heteronormative scum! I don't care what's between their legs, I would love my infant just as much regardless, and shall designate one of those names without discrimination of sex!

Why did you only pick masculine sounding names?

Fuck off, you fem-centered feminazi! Let me tell you that it is only a social construct of the dreaded patriarchy to assign, for want of a better word, masculine sounding names to the male gender. Names are just clumps of audible sound, and there's no reason to gender them! Bet you've never thought of that!

What the fuck man?!

Who said I'm a man? Kidding, I know 'man' is just a form of addressing a person, no harm done. And the fuck is... no, there is no fuck, you just have to roll with it. It'll make a lot more sense if you just roll with it. Embrace it. Hug it. Twist it. Bop it. What was I on about?