Why am I so angry?

I just pulled my shit together after an angry fit. It came out of nowhere. Firstly, it would be relevant to state that last year I experienced a deception with a person I held close to my heart. The details aren't important. Suffice it to say it cannot be described what I would have done for that person back then, and what I would do to them now. I'm not as affected by the event now, but I still have a lot of hatred left. Pure, unrelenting, biased, hatred. Hatred I never imagined it would be possible for me to muster. And above all, unresolved hatred.

I still have revenge fantasies with that person. Sometimes I imagine them being struck by misfortune so hard, and me watching metaphorically above them, gloating shamelessly. Or they bring themselves up to request my help on something, after which I stay them up with no explanation given; I dupe them, just as how they duped me. Or I kidnap them and hold them in a dungeon, torturing and keeping them on the razor sharp edge between life and death, awakened just enough to feel the constant agony I pour upon them in revenge. I have no room for pity, or compassion, or empathy. I have no room for ethics. I know I'd be evil given the chance, and I don't try to justify it. Even though they would not deserve such ire, I no longer care. I am a beast, albeit chained, but once the chains break, the word "mercy" shall be wiped from the dictionary. At least as long as either of us are alive.

I am angry. There was also a prick on the Internet, nothing new. A troll, though mild, still no less annoying, especially considering my state. Fuck you, Internet. Fuck you, humanity. And fuck you, life!

How I get shit done

Life is tough. Sometimes the only thing you can do is get off your privileged entitled ass and make it better yourself. Makes sense too. If you truly think you deserve it, you shouldn't shy away to get it. Not that you actually deserve it, silly, there's no concrete way to measure that. As far as I'm concerned, everyone's a moocher. Even me, which is why the universe hates me so much, to the point of loving someone else just to spite me!

But I digress. A proactive approach to one's problems more often than not beats the incessant, probably futile, and certainly worthless moping around and complaining until the situation fixes itself. Yeah, it may be crass to say it, but even if you're the nicest person that has ever lived, it doesn't change nature's indifference toward the hollow moral principles we pulled out of our asses to not kill each other as often as we could. And this is why nature will be nature, and will keep fucking us over. But we can sometimes turn the table in our favor, and we accomplish this by doing certain things. All sorts of things. Mainly, it should be things we want to accomplish, things that will make us feel better about ourselves, and things that will better our situation. Yes, doing things that have these three extremely vague, general, and contextual characteristics will no doubt send us a little warmth in the coldness of the world's indifference. The trick is to get it done. Here's how I do it:

I set my mind to something

No, not on cue. That's not possible. You can't want shit on a whim, some stuff way out of your control have to happen! And when it happens to me, boy, it happens! It keeps me up at night (not literally, I sleep like a boulder!), it occupies the quarter of the day during which I'm conscious and sober, and it hardly ever goes away until it's done. It's unbearable, and this is why I put in the extra effort to see it come to pass, so that I will be able to return to the state of living death in which I can distract myself with meaningless entertainment on the inexorable path to the grave.

I overthink EVERYTHING!!!

I'm not particularly moist about the phrase We think too much and feel too little. Firstly, take a look at stuff like CNN, the portrayal of third wave feminism in the media, YouTube comments, and it will become crystal clear that the first part of the aphorism is fucking bullshit. For two, feeling and thinking are intertwined, not antonymous. For example: I don't think we think too much. I try to be the difference I want to see into the world, so I think a lot. And because it would be intellectually honest on our part to take the good with the bad, I don't only think about how I can accomplish my goals, but also at how massively I can fail at it! And because I think a lot about that, I get some very strong feelings of hopelessness and desolation and depression. See, if I hadn't thought all that nasty stuff, I wouldn't have felt anything. I'd have been as happy as a motherfucker! Which leads me to...

This

I contemplate suicide. Such a quaint little word, 'contemplate'! Pretty far from truth, though. I don't contemplate suicide, I consider it! I think of killing myself if stuff don't go my way as a very real and very plausible situation of my life, because what kind of fucking life would that be? A life not worth living, that's what! What about my friends and family, you say? Fuck them, demanding of someone to live a life they don't want to live is plain inhumane!

There's more to it than that, though. I'm not a religious person, but this consideration of suicide if things don't go my way is also a form of 'prayer' on my part. Telling the universe that they will lose their labrat unless they comb their fur every now and again has so far been an adequate stimulus for It to get my shit together. Obviously I'm not gonna preach this on the street and start a new cult, but as long as it's sincere and heartfelt, I see nothing wrong in it.

Just friends

Here's a crazy idea: it definitely is entirely possible for a man and a woman to be "just friends", and if you think that sexual tension is an impediment to that, I genuinely feel sorry for your self, as it seems that you have missed out on some important millenia of human evolution, specifically the ones in which people developed their frontal lobes, very important for concluding that maybe not everyone of opposite sex is obliged to rub genitals with you, and that shouldn't be a problem for a well-adjusted person!

This is quite pathetic, to be living in a time period rife with so many wonders of engineering, like BDSM, yet at the same time to get so weird about our reproductive impulses. I am rather aghast at the thought that someone is convinced that we cannot be so considerate of other people to accept that they don't want to have sex with us! What's the big idea behind accepting the other person as they are and enjoying what they CAN offer you? Why do you need more than the friendship of someone of opposite sex?

Yes, it appears, to my dismay, that we are that deeply entrenched in heteronormativity. But wait, there's more! It would appear that having sex will ruin the friendship! Because you don't have to just be attracted to the person you're having sex with, you must also be willing to get exclusive with them, or at least in some sort of relationship that's 'more than friends'! Why? Why the fuck? What makes it so hard to enjoy the experience as it is? What the fucking hell is wrong with you people?

Sigh. I was hoping misanthropy is a notion that I've managed to outgrow, but the more I age the more I realize I should consider a whole bunch of individuals to be beneath the rank of people to not give myself that label!

Names for my existentially absent children

We all have those times we fantasize about the future, don't we? Like, enjoying the moment is fine, looking forward to that party or drug deal you'll be going to after classes is also pretty neat, but sometimes one's mind simply wanders into the far and unexplored valley of the future tense, and you think of stuff that won't happen for a couple of years, if at all. Especially if, like myself, you keep a positive outlook on things to avoid falling into the suicidal void of existential dread because everyday you're facing things you aren't familiar with, and are cripplingly unsure you're gonna handle them.

Now, since I'm the kind of person who has to be skeptical about everything, and won't hope for fulfillment unless they can actually see their goals materialize before them, and even then angst about how long will the high last, I tend to think of stuff that will never happen, either because I'm dead set against it, or because the universe hates me. And I had a nasty appendicitis not too long ago, so I know for a fact that the universe hates me!

Anyway, a thing which fits one of the categories of impossible worlds mentioned in the previous paragraph is having kids. Babies. Snot machines. Poop dispensers. Fertile ground for the prosperous evolution of bacteria and viri (fuck off red line, I'm going for the better sounding plural, I don't give a fuck academics don't think it's correct!) I like to imagine how will I name my firstborn, just for fun. I don't want to settle with something mundane, like Sam, or Tiffany, Nikita, or Hector. Nor something completely retarded, like La-a (pronounced Ladasha), or Teavee, or heavens forbid, Todd! No, I want the names I give to my semen demons to be imposing, resonant, and out there without sounding like their parents have drunk away their brain cells in college.

Obviously, going for a name that won't ensure bullying during the formative years is a fruitless endeavor. These things always seem to work in your disfavor. I, for example, was named after a bloodthirsty medieval ruler of my country, who enjoyed to torture his political enemies, has paid off the big shots around those parts to sit his ass on the throne for a while, and the power eventually got to his head, so the big shots assassinated him and put someone else in his stead. Do you know how much flak I got because of the historical baggage of this name? Fuck all, because fuck all cares about history! So really, just try to have this outlook on name-shaming: if it happens it builds character, if it doesn't happen, your child may end up like me. Best of both worlds.

Here is a list of names I would consider my crotch fruits who will most likely never exist are worthy to bear, along with a complimentary commentary for each of them:

Montenegro

Like that guy in FarCry3, Vaas. It sounds important, and I'd be high elated if I ended up the parent of an important person. Not because I'd have gotten myself involved in their path to importance, pah! what a silly notion! It'd be because I got to know them fully and intimately, to witness their path to greatness. Imagine you were a parent of Bill Gates. Would you look at him the same way if you saw his pee-pee?

Kamikaze

I don't hear parents bragging about the significance of the names they ascribed to their semiclones, much to my own subversion. It's the kids themselves who do that, probably to get over the fact that they didn't get to pick their own names. Don't they know you can simply choose to identify yourself by another name overnight? Anyway, if my kid would have ever turned out like that (*shudder normies, ugh!), maybe they'd have also ascribed to themselves the capacity of diving headlong into any issue, no matter how threatening it may seem or be. They'd have certainly taken the cake at job interviews.

Thaddeus

Like a thud, this name sound imposing and no-nonsense-like. It proudly says "let me mind my own business lest I smack you silly!"

Lucifer

This one is more special. It has deep existential implications for me. You see, in the mythology that is prevalent around the places I grew up in, Lucifer was the first ever being to realize that him and his peers were living under the heel of a narcissistic dictator, and decided he wouldn't have any of that. That's balls-y. Also, he gifted the first humans with knowledge, and had undertaken an eternity-long campaign of opening the eyes of the eager minds who are being woefully repressed by the subjugating ringer of institutionalized religion and baseless superstitions. And there is a massive propaganda against him, so much so that only the gays are more hated than him. He's an underdog.

Plus, he's usually depicted as a fly as fuck stud!

Lucifer and God

This is for the twins. I know that the Judeo-Christian mythology doesn't consider the two characters as equals, but that's just bullshit! If God was better than Satan, how come he ain't defeated him yet? Checkmate, Christians! Also, the implication that God actually created someone to rebel against him paints him in a rather sado-masochistic light, like he was getting bored with shit being all not fucked up, so he made someone to stir it. Don't deny that, if Satan was good to begin with, and there was nothing on the outside to corrupt him, why would he have chosen to rebel?

That about does it, but I shall also take the liberty to answer some inevitable follow-up questions:

What if it's a girl?

Fuck off, you poisonous heteronormative scum! I don't care what's between their legs, I would love my infant just as much regardless, and shall designate one of those names without discrimination of sex!

Why did you only pick masculine sounding names?

Fuck off, you fem-centered feminazi! Let me tell you that it is only a social construct of the dreaded patriarchy to assign, for want of a better word, masculine sounding names to the male gender. Names are just clumps of audible sound, and there's no reason to gender them! Bet you've never thought of that!

What the fuck man?!

Who said I'm a man? Kidding, I know 'man' is just a form of addressing a person, no harm done. And the fuck is... no, there is no fuck, you just have to roll with it. It'll make a lot more sense if you just roll with it. Embrace it. Hug it. Twist it. Bop it. What was I on about?